24/01/02 CHIP MOUNTING SERIOUS CHALLENGE FOR THE TITLE

Save Chip added another victory on Saturday last to continue towards their goal of winning the Superleague title for 2002. Running out narrow victors over a spirited but lacking Bray City side, solid performances from the goalkeeper and defensive back four ensured a second clean sheet of the new year. Hero of the hour for Bray City was Mick Dempsey, who kept them in the game by absentmindedly strolling into an offside position as Stevie O'Connor stroked a free kick home. Roars of abuse from the sideline went unheard as a smiling Dempsey skipped randomly about the pitch, his mind very definitely on other matters. One goal was enough to seal victory but it could have been more.


24/01/02 PARTISAN BELGROVE STIR TROUBLE AHEAD OF NEXT WEEKEND'S CLASH

The manager of Superleague side Partisan Belgrove has caused outrage in the Chip camp after his comments during a press conference yesterday evening. Controversially, he remarked that teams try harder against the best teams, and what has resulted is that the 'weaker' Chip find themselves in an unfamiliar position in the top half of the table and pushing for a Champions league spot, perhaps even pretenders to the throne of league champions. An outraged James Carroll replied: 'I'll tell you something right now, what he's said about us and about other teams, I'll tell you, you can't do it. We're still fighting for this title.' The usually calm Carroll lost control in the live interview, and went on to say 'I would love it, LOVE IT, it we beat them next Saturday'.


24/01/02 SHEILS BITING INCIDENT INVESTIGATED

Rumours are spreading that a UCD Superleague panel is investigating an incident which took place during Chip's recent win over Boca Boateng, where Chip winger David Sheils is alleged to have bitten a Boca supporter after being substituted for the second half. The Boca supporter was standing on the sideline enjoying the game when he saw someone approach him from the side. 'The next thing I knew, this guy bit me on the arm and then ran off. I couldn't believe it.'


24/01/02 BARRETT COMEBACK DELAYED

Graham Barrett's comeback has been further delayed after an unfortunate incident last weekend at his home. He was watching the Leeds v Arsenal game with his pet cats when he began to choke on a potato waffle and fell off the couch, striking his head on the family coffee table as he went down, shattering the glass and severely injuring his head in the process. Speaking from hospital in a sedated state, Barrett displayed signs of frustration and despair. 'My Mum is going to kill me..' was all he could say during his attempted interview early this morning.


14/01/02 CHIP RETURN FROM THE DEAD

Carroll: 'Yes... we're back'

Saturday last saw the dawn of a new era for the Chip team as they ended their losing streak and returned hope to their loyal fan of winning the title. 'We're doing it for my Dad', says manager Carroll, with a tear in his eye. 'Week after week he stands there in the cold watching shite football being played and this victory is for him.'


14/01/02 MARTIN BREEDS FUTURE KERRY FOOTBALL STARS

'She has a fine pair of hips on her'

Kevin Martin has revealed he is planning to breed at least 3 future Kerry football stars. By 2022 he hopes to have at least 3 offspring infiltrating the Kerry senior team and leading them to more All-Ireland titles. 'It's all in the blood', smiles Martin. 'There will be a bit of Jacko in each of them.' Chip team mate Stevie O'Connor expresses concern: 'I'm a bit worried about Kevin', says O'Connor. 'His groin can't take much more of this punishment. Right now he should be concentrating on winning the UCD Superleague title'.


14/01/02 DILLANE IN 'DRY-OUT' CLINIC

'Yes, I have a problem with the drink... I can't get enough of it'

The mystery of Mark Dillane's disappearance has been solved by his agent in a recent statement. It appears Dillane, who had established himself as a regular in the Chip defence, has admitted his dependence on alcohol and has checked himself into a private dry-out clinic in the U.K. for the foreseeable future. His agent is confident that Dillane will recover: 'If anyone has the bottle to do this, Mark does.'


19/11/01 MARTIN THREATENS TO SUE

Kev Martin, Save Chips pragmatic central midfielder has again threatened retirement after The Evening Herald today refered to the Portmacgee Pitbull as 'Kevin Mankin'. Martin, 21, told reporters that he 'had had enough. I spend all season without a goal watching housemates Skippy, Mick and David all getting on the scoresheet and then when I finally score they credit it to someone else.' When told by this reporter that it was probably a typo, he commented that he didn't know anything about kickboxing or its derivations but was still astonished that they could have got his name wrong. 'Do they know who I am. I'm Kevin Bloody Mankin.....I mean....Martin.' Skip Carroll, Chip's manager, will try over the coming weeks to again lure the currently injured player out of retirement but feels this may be the last straw. 'We are dealing with a complex human being here, a fiery ball of pent up anger and emotions, insecurity, feelings of abandonment and a latent homosexuality.... ...possibly. I'll need to put in a lot of overtime on this one.'


19/11/01 MARTIN 'BAN-GARDA' SCANDAL EXPOSED

News has just broken on the Kevin Martin injury saga which has attracted huge speculation about the player's future in a Chip shirt. On his latest trip south for international duty it has been revealed that the injury prone star has been seen fornicating and clubbing during his stints home, on the weekends of important matches. It is believed that the player's latest injury has stemmed from the groin area... an injury attributable to the speculated relations between the star and a trainee ban garda. This has caused huge discomfort in the Club's board room, a club that thrives on its reputation as rebels, with 2 red cards and numerous yellows at this early stage of the campaign. Such associations with the law are likely to be frowned upon, and the player may be used as part of a transfer coup. Masterminded by skipper Carroll, Kevin is to be used as bait to lure wayward part-time striker David Shiels out of non-league football with Dagenham and Redbridge, with Martin going the other direction.


19/11/01 THORNTON ATTEMPTS THROW AND FAILS MISERABLY

The 'Foul Throw' saga continued on Saturday in Save Chip's victory over The Dons as Paddy Thornton made a surprise return to first team football after previously announcing his early retirement from the game. Thornton had unofficially withdrawn himself from the league because of increasing stress and pressure on him during the progressive league games. He shied away from taking an early throw-in but bravely stepped up on the next occasion, only to throw the ball incorrectly once again, now an alarmingly regular occurance in his game. 'That f*****g ref has it in for me!' exclaimed Thornton, 'I've been practicing all week for that moment and that b*****ks ruined my day. The central defensive pairing of Dillane and Furlong are taking the throw-ins from now on, in order to prevent the talented left back being forced into another hasty retirement.


19/11/01 'I'M NO DRUG CHEAT' INSISTS DEMPSEY

Mick Dempsey's future is in the hands of lawyers and medics after the U.C.D. Soccer League's disciplinary committee upheld his suspension for doping on Saturday. The league confirmed that Save Chip's right winger would be suspended indefinitely from all sporting activity with immediate effect. The decision follows an announcement by the Irish Olympic Committee on Friday that the player had tested positive for the banned steroid nandrolone after a Super League game against Locomotiv Leicester on October 10. It was reported on Saturday that Dempsey had exercised his right to a counter-analysis, or B-sample, following consultation with Chip's legal adviser and star defender Martin Furlong. The date of Dempsey's eventual return to action depends on the outcome of what could be a lengthy and complex procedure. He has denied taking any banned substance. 'I simply cannot believe this has happened to me and I feel sick at the suggestion I would take drugs,' he said in his diary on the website icons.com. 'I do not know why the test should come out positive and I am in a state of shock and confusion. 'One thing I can say without hesitation or doubt, however, is that I have never knowingly taken nandrolone or any other illegal substance.' In an interview with TV3 news, Graham Barrett stated 'There is a bit of panic in the dressing room because the players know Mick and know him as one who won't even take vitamins.' In the past, players were not declared positive until a second counter-analysis was carried out. But the new rules led to Dempsey's result being made public after just one test with the player now forced on to the sidelines while he waits for the outcome of the B-sample. Should it be positive, Dempsey's fate will be decided by the League's disciplinary committee.


16/11/01 THORNTON ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT FROM COMPETITIVE SOCCER

'Foul Throws are ruining my game' he says.
Amazings revelations unfolded yesterday evening when 'Chip' manager James Carroll received a phone call from Paddy Thornton during which Thornton officially resigned from all competitive soccer. The tricky left-sided player with the 'educated' left foot is frustrated at his inability to throw the ball properly, and so has decided to call it a day to avoid future embarrassment. Thornton said: 'I can't handle the pressure any more. Every time I see the ball go out over the sideline I just feel as if all eyes are on me. I've lost my self confidence and even the ability to get an erection. Actually, don't quote me on that last part.' Management were unavailable for comment last night.


14/11/01 SHEILS ADMITS HEADER WAS A FLUKE

Sheils: 'Well it wasn't exactly a great cross in the first place'
Ubiquitous 'Chip' striker David Sheils spoke yesterday of his only goal to date and has admitted the header two weeks ago was lucky to cross the line. 'Originally I meant to direct it for the top corner, but the cross from Carroll was as usual below average; it was all I could do to keep the header on target. I've been feeding on scraps since the campaign began and quite frankly I'm fed up with it' The header bounced awkwardly in front of the keeper and went in off his elbow for Sheils' first goal of the season, which helped secure a 4-2 victory.


14/11/01 CARROLL NOT INJURED AFTER ALL

Prolific striker James 'Skippy' Carroll was spotted last evening training in Rathmines with apparently no injury to his left knee, which had previously been the talking point before each game. It has since been reported by Mick Dempsey of Frankfort Avenue that Carroll's injury isn't genuine. Dempsey: 'I knew something wasn't right when I saw Skip wear the knee bandage on the wrong knee the morning of the match last Saturday. When I asked him about it he rushed back into his room and mysteriously reappeared with the knee strapping changed to the other one.' Psychologist Edward Woodward of TCD believes feigning the injury is a cry for help, an 'attention seeking' gesture to draw attention to one's self'. Carroll has been fined the maximum one week's wages (£5) and is expected to be fully fit for next weeks match.


13/11/01 MARTIN HINTS AT RETIREMENT

A source at 19 Frankfort Avenue (Mick) has revealed today that Kevin Martin, the influential Save Chip midfielder, has hinted that he is ready to hang up the boots and move into the position of Rathmines Stud fulltime. It is no secret that Kevin struggled through the recent loss to Locomotiv and that his chronic calf injury seems to be getting the better of him despite some promising early season form. Already ruled out of this weeks opening league game against The Dons, he opined to Mick that he would probably take the winter off, so as to make a fresh start to next years football season. It is no secret that this is his true love though rumours that Skellig Rangers have not won a match in 13 years could not be confirmed due to nobody remembering back that far. Pleas for him to stay can be posted on the message board.

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