Garfield Gazed into the future to find out the extent of England's World Cup campaign, and was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the morning's paper.

GERMANY: England's World Cup dream is over after bowing out in yet another penalty shootout, this time to defending champions Brazil. Both Rio Ferdinand and David Beckham failed to convert from the spot, while Ronaldinho fired home the winner and secured the Samba stars a place in the final. The Three Lions battled courageously for most of the game with only nine players, after Gary and Phil Neville were both sent off for having a father called Neville Neville. England's teenage sensation Theo Walcott threatened to grow facial hair throughout the game, while Sol Campbell went missing...

England then received a killer blow when keeper Paul Robinson sustained an eye injury when Ronaldo came through with chilli sauce (believed to have been from his pre-match kebab). The Spurs man couldn't continue and David James was called into action - much to the delight of the English fans. Sven then made a master tactical move... by keeping things the same, but it was all too late and England fans could only reflect on yet another reason to hate Germans.


FERDINAND FACES LIFE BAN

GERMANY: Defender Rio Ferdinand could be banned from football for life after failing to provide a urine specimen after England's semi-final defeat. The Manchester Uniter star was one of three England players selected to take the test but failed to turn up. But Ferdinand claims he DID produce a specimen and left to go for a drink after being told everything was okay.

'After the game I walked into a busy room with people playing darts and listening to music, and was handed a glass already half-full, because I'm an optimist, and pissed into it. The bloke behind the counter started yelling something in German, so I left.' Ferdinand said he then made his way back to where he left his team-mates, only to discover they'd gone, but had left two pints already poured for him. 'I was able to down both pints within seconds because they were as weak as piss. These Germans are pussys.' FIFA were fuming with Ferdinand's comments, saying he was 'taking the piss.'


GO WITH THE FRO

ENGLAND: He may have lost us the World Cup, but that hasn't stopped fans from adopting England captain and style guru David Beckham's latest hairdo: the 'Fro Back. Barbers have been inundated with requests for the full-bodied Afro cut. 'I had a 60-year-old pensioner come in tha salon last week and instead of her usual blue-rinse special, she demanded the 'Fro Back,' said Chantel Price of Glitz and Pricks salon in Romford.

Sixteen-year-old Leroy Briggs, of Watford, was given the 'Fro Back before the semi-final but says he's keeping it despite looking like a complete prick. 'My mates say I look like a right wanker, but they're just jealous. If Becks can carry it off then so can I.'


TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

ENGLAND: Crocked striker Wayne Rooney has finally been declared fit to play by boss Alex Ferguson, a day after England were knocked out of the tournament.