Even though a mosquito beats its wings 600 times per second it only
travels about one mile per hour. That's because stopping to
annoy people tends to slow you down.
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
too, provided you use
them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal,
a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house,because, in the words of
U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark
1979 tax decision:
"Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"
-- Dave Barry
"Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few
weeks of captivity,
they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish?"
I used to go fishing until it struck me: You can buy fish.
What the hell am I doing in a boat at four-thirty in the
morning? If I want a hamburger, I don't track people down.
-- Kenny Potchenson
"I don't do anything without pressure. A physical therapist said,
'Get in tune with your body.' But if I listened to my body, I'd stay
in bed all morning."
--Stan Pottinger
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, "Oh are you
funny?" I say, "No, it's not that kind of comedy."
--Betsy Salkind
In spite of the cost of loving, it's still popular.
-- Kathy Norris
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has
been dis-ing them anyhow?