"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my
client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago
and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

*****************************
The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted.
"Your gout is getting worse." said the doctor. "I recommend that you give up smoking,
drinking and sex for a while."
"WHAT!" said the man. "Just so's I can walk a little better?"

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FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. £1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend -
Wife knows fucking everything.

*****************************
Taken from Q&A in NEW SCIENTIST magazine:
Q. I have heard that it is possible to live on Guinness and milk alone.
Is this true, or even partially true?
A. This is not quite true. Guinness does contain many vitamins and
minerals in small quantities, but is lacking vitamin C, as well as calcium
and fat. So, to fulfil all of your daily nutritional requirements you
would need to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk,
and 47 pints of Guinness.

*****************************
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said,
"A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian,
a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language
wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

******************************
A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
You foul-mouthed swine, "retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

*******************************
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair sat down beside him.
The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple.
He had black makeup around his eyes.
The old man couldn't keep from staring at the youngster.
The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and
had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

*******************************
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.
To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

*******************************
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in
fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Stacy says: When I grow up,I want to be a prostitute!
Sister Catherines eyes grow wide and she barks: What the f*ck did you say?
A prostitute! Stacy repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant...

********************************
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night,
a drunkard led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?" they asked.
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"For f*ck's sake, you w*nker, it's 2 o'clock in the morning!!"

*********************************