1. (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing
each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
2. "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese
guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton.
You never know."
3.."And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame
everything on Satan.'"
4. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
5. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
6. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one
hand,
we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open
all our own jars."
7. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men
everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'"
8. "The Web brings people together because no matter what
kind
of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of
pals
out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on
fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
9. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
10. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can
fake whole relationships."
11. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do."
12. "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter
what she's reading."
13. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where
he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
14. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by
a bee, the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
15. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
16. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can
fake that, you're in."
17. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for
black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
18. "Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an
attractive scrotum!'"
19. "I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill
live
in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are
apparently doing quite well for themselves."