The Beer Scale
1 -Relaxed
To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, schooldays, sport and the price of net curtains, etc. Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn't quite been broken yet.
2 - Merry
With the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth, the
second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than
the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation
will have picked up, probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays
- what else is there? Oh yes -and in non-specific detail, sex !!
It's time to consider your first visit to the toilet and get a round
of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the
bar will be easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you
will get away with a smaller round. Enough said.
3 -Tipsy
Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport
part of the brain that controls reasonable behaviour. The urge to consume
copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right
up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on
soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a
"I'd give that one" nature.
Still, by this time you will have forgotten all about the price of
net curtains.
Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening,
boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition.
4 - Half-cut
Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much,
much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some
dodgy comedian's redundant catchphrase will also never fail to get laughs...
Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to
have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle
fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic detail of the 'partners
you've had'. Hand/eye co-ordination is now on the difficult side -Boys,
take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's) in your zip fly.
Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening's nobody likes
me -everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crisis.
5 - Drunk
Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody
loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about.
However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval
urges - such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more
commonly to procreate, take over - and man is driven to satisfy these ancient
desires come what may.
6-7 Rat-arsed
Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's
if anybody else can remember what the fuck you were
talking about - but mark my words, there's always one who will. Conversation
will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social
skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return
to The flesh of the opposite sex - will they ever go away? Some people
expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk, but
I am more of the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up
in the knickers/boxer shorts of the person you've got the most chance of
shagging. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical
chuck at This stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later
could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter... it will also
leave room for a curry/chinese/kebab/pie/chips.
8-10 Sh*t-faced
It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo
massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over
the eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered.
Others Get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their
existence on This planet. Hey, if only they'd realise that there isn't
one and that Having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets.
Me? I know it's hard to imagine, but I find I get even wittier, even more
charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately,
nobody else seems to notice - bunch of pissheads.
10-15 Esperanto
For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll fall over at any minute. But hey, don't worry about it - if ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is - it won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopaedic qualities are well known.
15+ Clinically Dead
You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff
but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover
and try desperately to remember what the fuck you did the Night before,
than at work. Never again ... until the next time.