Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and
the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course,to
the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement
which, I admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are
to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also
for
debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
I
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on
the path
of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted
by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking
as my
model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited
and proud to
hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters,
when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
pre-recorded,
faceless entity, which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh
and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom
you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the
Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical
history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number
of
button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone
system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I
will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered
by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will
be guided
through an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room
to be communicated at the time the call is
received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
Extension of bedroom to
be communicated at the time the call is
received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer: To leave a message a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later
date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options
1through to 9.
10. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've
chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:......."Oh, the banks
are made of; marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled
with silver that the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that,
our mutual contact will Probably know it off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank
has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes
at a
cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let
me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me.
This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your
nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent
in
response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter
of the
penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My
new
phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't
come
for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and
to the
point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client.