In an unprecidented move, the Minister for Transport has
exclusively revealed to The Fallon Times
that he is seeking assurances that CIE are not using Irish Rail
for the purposes of Torture.
The torture techniques employed by CIE are countless, with
new reports of ever more inovative
methods coming to light every Bank Holiday weekend.
A typical torture session generally progresses from
purely psychological to blatant physical degradation of the
individual. A common starting point
is the shock factor at the ticket desk when the traveller is
informed that a Single ticket costs the same
as a return ticket. Such a scenario helps to fullfil the first
goal of CIE's crack team of phsycologists,
as the victim surcomes to confusion and rage.
Next up on the ruthless agenda is to be placed at the rear of a
lengthy
queue which is designed to not move for at least one hour.
Fatigued, our traveller finally boards
the train. At this point, all baggage areas are typically full,
and as the victim passes up the narrow
aisle with his bag, he realises that the seating areas are also
similarly occupied. Humiliated, the
passenger bussles his way back towards the rear of the coach where
he is forced to assume the stance
of a surfer between two carriages. Thus, begins the physical
torture.
Next, CIE begin to attack the excretory systems of the passenger,
by ensuring that any
toilet facilities resemble an unkept septic tank. Thus, the
physical torture is maintained for the remainder of the journey.
Advancing from the physical torture, CIE begin to exploit any
fears and phobias that the
passenger may have. The most common of these is Claustrophobia,
but
none is so harsh as Allegraphobia, the
fear of being late. In fact, CIE are so comfortable with such
torture techniques, that it
doesn't faze them to publish figures that boast their exploitation
of Allegraphobia. According
to their own advertisements, 10% of all of their trains will be
late. This is cleverly spun
as being a positive statistic, stating that up to 90% of their
trains are on time. The overconfidence
in boasting about the technique is further displayed in their
shameless rendition of the the phrase, "We're
not there yet, but we're getting there".
