Back to School Crocked Roy Keane has decided to make the most of his time out injured, with a return to education. Following on from his honourary conferring at NUI Cork, Roy has got a taste for self-improvement. Roy will be going to an all-boys school and is expected to be taught by one of his former schoolmates. "Yes", says Roy, "Michael will be doing the ould teaching while I'm back in school. It's fair to say that I didn't really get on with him at school. I think he's a crap teacher and a crap person. He's a fliping coot. I mean, yesterday was my first day back and there were no pencils and the paper was rock hard. Obviously, as prefect, I complained. Also, that Dawn milk that they promised us never showed up. The Department of Education is nothing but a crowd of muppets." Roy does, however, seem to be getting on quite well with the other kids. "He is exceptionally popular amongst the lads, said Shane (13). Obviously, we all repect him. He has one of the best football sticker collections we have ever seen." Keane is supposed to have ammased the sizable collection during his Walkers crisps days.

Dr. Keane Some of the subjects that Roy will be taking are: Maths - to calculate how much he's going to make from his "autobiography", English - so he can actually write volume 2 of his "autobiography" himself, Irish - to remind him of the team that he should be playing for, Accountancy - to help him budget until he negotiates his next contract at United, History - lest he forget Saipan and French - So he can explain to Laurent Blanc exactly how crap he is.