Ennis Youth in Intelligence Row A Co. Clare youth, John G, has been brought up on charges of intelligence gathering, specifically about the boyband, Westlife. Last night, cops raided his home while he was still in his pyjama bottoms and Newcastle United jersey. They left shortly after, bringing with them a personal computer which is said to contain massive databases of Westlife information, screensavers, mp3s, wallpapers and the beginning of a Westlife almanac, penned by John G himself. A clearly heartbroken John G, who was just ironing his Karate suit and purple belt at the time allowed a solitary tear to meander down his cheek. "All my Westlife stuff", he wailed, "gone! It's not fair, they're taking it all away in that car of theirs. Did you know that Nicky drives a Peugeot 306 and that Ronan Keating bought it for him?". I've struggled for months over that almanac as well. I was going to make just one copy and have it signed by the boys. I might as well wave goodbye to that one. I just love collecting anything related to Westlife. Did you know that Bryan is a huge Superman fan. He used to collect every comic and his mum still has his Superman duvet, ready and ironed for when he returns home?"

John G doing his dirty laundry As John G was clearly distraught, we decided to leave him as he stood on his doorstep, singing "If I let you go" to himself, in the still winter moonlight with the Garda light flashing repeatedly on his red, unshaven face.